Battle of the Perfectionists

Ah, perfectionism in the workplace--a nice follow-up to my last post.

As noted before, I do not consider myself an expert in psychology or definitions of words like "perfectionism." In the last few days I've even wondered if my last post paints a better picture of neurosis rather than perfectionism (go ahead, visit wikipedia and look it up. I dare you). Rather, I have come to the realization that I am a perfectionist, that this causes certain problems in life (like alienating normal people) and that I want to stop or "recover". The first step to recovering is recognizing you have a problem, right?

Hi, my name is Katie and I have a pesky perfectionist streak.

(in perfect unison): Hi Katie!

Now, it may seem strange to many of you--especially those of you who have worked with me, but I am perhaps the LEAST type A of my fellow coworkers. I have decided this is a situation involving Einstein's principle of relativity. There is so much type-A behavior at work that I end up being the calming influence who "goes with the flow" and "lets the punches fly." (or is it lets the punches roll? I hope this isn't a euphamism for tolerating violence. for the record, I don't).

People in my line of work have to be detail oriented, catch the most of minor discrepancies across many documents and be well organized enough to communicate these issues to coworkers, professors/doctors/community members as well as principle investigators (PIs--a fancy term for "big cheese researcher"). You can imagine that this is a safe haven for perfectionists like myself. We are actually getting paid and praised to be slightly obsessive about detail and analytic nearly to a fault. Not to mention the fact that no longer are we the only person like this in our offices. That's big.

In a previous job, I was an outsider in saying things like "maybe we should have a system for recording data so it's consistant and scientifically valid." (surprising, as I worked with RESEARCHERS. but that's a story for another day). As a Teaching Assistant in science courses, I used to drive my students insane by insisting that a degree in biology was not a free pass for bad grammar, spelling and word misuse. Sorry kids, you too need to know how to communicate! And if you look up one more word in a fancy book that you don't know, and throw it into your paper thinking I'm too dull to notice, you FAIL. Yes. I have that power. *maniacal laugh*

Clearly, I have some repressed issues regarding the lack of tolerance in previous jobs for someone of my likeness. But this new job, with all it's points of stress, is unlike those jobs. I get paid to pay attention, stay organized, analyze until my brain hurts...all while keeping participant safety, ethics and values in mind. Halleluja!

Now where was I (I can pay attention to detail, but only for short periods of time). Ah yes. Perfectionists in the work place. You can imagine that this is not always pleasant, although this is perhaps a key brick in my road to recovery. Daily I am faced with people who do the things I do, and I am able to see how annoying it really is.

For example, lunchtime conversation.

Coworkers 1 & 2 run off to get lunch (without asking me to join, this is a chronic case of cliqueishness, ah! interoffice friendships). They come back and seem surprised that I'm not joining them (hard to do when I don't know there's something to join, but we'll let that slide for now).

While eating fried fish and french fries with heart blocking tartar sauce, Coworker 1 says: "This is so bad for me." chomp, chomp chomp.
Coworker 2, stuffing fried goodness into his mouth replies: "you're fine, eat more."
Me: sitting quietly with my vegetarian kale and barley soup.

Coworker 1: This is why I work out twice a day! (proud smile of superiority).
Coworker 2: Wow...you're so amazing (ok, this is not a quote, but a gist. run with it. please)

Me: contemplating what to say, can't come up with anything nice, smile and nod, take a sip of soup.

Not only am I a perfectionist, but I'm also competitive. I think the two go hand in hand, as a desire to be top or best is rooted in a comparison. You can't be best unless there is something only good, you can't be the top without having something below you. Part of me wants to knock my coworker off the pedastal of "working out twice a day and therefore being superior and healthier than everyone else because she is so 'fit'." I want to tell her that it's not actually healthy to work out twice per day to lose more weight than she already has, and that a sustainable diet of healthy food with healthy indulgence and a loving accepting attitude toward her body will get her farther than anything else. (I am fully aware that this is a cheesy statement and if only it were that simple, or if only I could follow my own advice...etc.)

The danger in this, however, is that she'll likely come back with some retort and we'll get into an argument about nutrition and exercise and somehow it will be acknowledged (whether directly or indirectly) that I am in fact larger than she *gasp!* (never mind that I'm about a foot taller). The competition will switch from "who works out the most/best" to "who is better at arguing that they have the superior healthy lifestyle." I think this ties in greatly to the prevalence of women who have eating disorders. My own disordered eating was a result of wanting to be perfect--to be complimented, to be beautiful but most of all to be perfectly in control. Somehow being perfect meant that those around me would no longer suffer or be in pain. And I wanted to know that no matter what happened to me, I was still on top of my own life, controlling my physical self, presenting my best image. (sure, this is simplified, but you get the idea).

**quick side note, I plan to read Portia De Rossi's book about this very issue.

So as a perfectionist in recovery, trying to fight the incessant need to be best and top in everything, it is challenging to sit back and let the comments slide. It is also challenging not to internalize those comments and start attacking myself for not working harder to be "fit." For allowing myself, out of weakness of character, to not work out 2 hrs a day. Or for indulging in heart shaped cherry flavored gummy candies from Trader Joe's. Or eating the occasional several whole wheat oatmeal raisin chocolate chip walnut cookies (with flax seeds for extra omega-3s).

Interestingly, Jezebel (a highly amusing, very opinionated news source), had an article about this very topic today. You can find it here. Please note the title is not kid-friendly.

The moral of today's story: 2 pefectionists do not a more perfect world make.