Perfectionism: What it means to me

This weekend I had the pleasure of road tripping to CT and NY with my in-laws and Mr. K.

Most people have probably rolled their eyes, laughed and prepared themselves for a blog post all about how crazy and unbearable in-laws are. I actually consider myself among the lucky minority. I love my in-laws and genuinely enjoy spending time with them. (and yes, they did learn about my blog this weekend, so will likely see this post, and if I get a few brownie points for publicly labeling them "lovely," I can handle that.)

The purpose of our trip and the other happenings are fodder for another post, but my MIL noted when reading my blog that she didn't quite see the "vulnerability of the perfectionist in recovery." This topic also came up when I was trying to impress my PILs by suggesting dinner at a fancy, cozy little bistro near our apartment where I know the bartender and general manager. My FIL raised a skeptical eyebrow when I shared the title of my blog, apparently hesitant to view me as a perfectionist in "recovery." Long story short, it sounds like I have, as they say, some 'splainin' to do!


**disclaimer- the terms defined below are not official. I trust if you disagree you can search a combo of the wiktionary and wikipedia to fully discredit the officiality of anything I post below. This is just what makes sense to me, and how I think. That's how blogs work.

What is it?
Perfectionism is an overwhelming drive to do things the best or most right way, and to present an image (and then fully embody) the stoic, warm, friendly, intelligent, funny, beautiful, worldly, lighthearted, seriously knowledgeable, mature, child-like person that only one with multiple personalities can ever really achieve (yes, I am fully aware that I am comparing a penchant for perfectionism to mental illness).  How does this play itself out?

Situation 1: Bowling Skillz
Mr. Normal: "Wow, I'm really an awful bowler. Who cares, I have fun anyway! And no one thinks less of me because I can't bowl."

Mrs. Perfectionista: "Wow, I'm really an awful bowler. I sure hope no one has noticed, because if they have they might thing I'm unathletic, or uncoordinated. Maybe if I just cook up some really really tasty, unique, bowling-alley friendly treats they won't notice. Or perhaps I should start taking private bowling lessons, or practice weekly on the wii fit until I can hit better strikes. Or maybe I should be the person that comes up with the best bowling player names for the screen, all thematically hilarious and fitting for the celebration and particular crowd..."

Situation 2: The Permanent Hostess
Mr. Normal: "Gee, I'm so glad to have a moment to rest after this fabulous dinner that someone else prepared for me. I'll be happy to help as soon as someone asks me in a way that is definitely not joking. Because sometimes people don't really mean I need to help. And anyway, I'm a guest and we're celebrating." *breathes a sigh of relaxation*


Mrs. Perfectionista: "OMG...people are getting close to being done with dinner. Dishes are nearly empty and there are CRUMBS on the table!" *mindlessly brushes crumbs away as husband looks on with amusement* "If I start stacking plates now, will that be seen as good? Because I'm taking care of things and showing that I'm considerate and useful and making life easier for everyone? Or will it be considered rude? If I'm rude, then people will surely talk about me. I'll be 'the rude wife.' Oh goodness, that would be HORRIBLE. This simply cannot happen. Oh crap, is someone asking me something? I'm too focused on the dirty dishes that will need to be washed before we bring out the dessert plates, and I'll need a knife to cut the cake and we'll need fresh forks and napkins and what if the cake isn't good or if I don't have enough and that's offensive to the baker? or if I have too much and my pants don't fit and then I'm the 'fat wife.' Oh goodness, I need fresh air."

Please note that the thoughts of "Mr. Normal" are simply my best guess as to what goes on in the minds of all you normal folk out there. As I have never been in that position (and imagine it would take some powerful drugs to be there), I can't really say with full certainty.

Also note that the attainment of perfection is often tied with worth. If I'm not perfect, then "what good am I?" Why would anyone keep me around and what is my purpose? (Clearly this represents flawed logic, but logic and reason stumble in the face of perfectionism)

As life is always more meaningful when discussing the real and true, I'll shift from the abstract to the concrete. Let's talk about eating meat.

I was confronted this weekend with the choice to give in to social and familial pressure to conform, eat meat and not cause a fuss because I "refuse" to eat the one thing that sits at the heart of EVERY meal presented to me this weekend, or to stick to my guns, armed with the rationale that has propelled me into vegetarianism.

On the one hand, I want to be a good guest and to share in the meal like everyone else. I want to be able to say how fantastic dinner was and to compliment the chef, and I don't want to be "trouble." I also don't want to be made fun of for the choices I made (because even though this may be the perfect entertainment for my guests, it could also be their way of handling the fact that I am supremely annoying or weird, thus clearly nowhere near the status I'd like to have). 

On the other hand, I've read a lot on the topic of food and have been searching my soul for the "right" path for me. (I add those last two words because I'm hesitant to argue in absolutes...thank you liberalism) Sure, I do think there are MANY benefits to cutting down on or eliminating meat in a diet. Among them I count reduced exposure to toxins, reduced detriment caused to people and the environment as a result of the operation of factory farms, stronger connection to my food which helps cull the disordered eating problems I've had since college, reduced risk of many diseases, etc.

But then there are the counter arguments. Isn't it socially problematic to be the one person who won't share bread with everyone else? Doesn't plant harvesting also have bad effects on the earth? That organic salad in a bag that traveled all the way from California, just think of all the fuel it's transport consumed! Clearly that's not better than a steak from a grass fed cow only one state over? And what about all those people who grow animals for meat or work in the food production industry? Some job is better than no job, right? (sure, I have retorts to these, but they aren't light questions, so is my decision to be a vegetarian really right? is it the best decision I can make?)

And then there's the issue of how far to take it. There is solid evidence that eggs are as bad as meat, yet I still eat them. Why? Because I feel like they help me get protein, and they are versatile in cooking. But that's not too much better than the argument that meat is ok to eat because it tastes good, right? So should I stop eating eggs? And what about milk and yogurt? Or "natural" flavors made from beef fat that are in EVERYTHING that comes in a package. So does that make me a "fake" vegetarian? Or is being vegetarian not the best I could be? Is it not the level I should aspire to? A perfectionist always aspires to be at the top...so where does that leave me? Where is the top?

Perhaps the top is being a vegan. But at this point that's really difficult for me (although I'm planning to go vegan for lent). And if it's too difficult to be at the top, to be a vegan, then what's the point of even trying (and this is the heart of the disfunctionality of being a perfectionist). If I can't make it to the top, why even hike? And doesn't that represent some fatal flaw in my very being, that I am "too weak" to reach the top? Wouldn't it better to spend my time pursuing something I can perfect?

So being in recovery means accepting that maybe I don't have to be perfect or best or top in everything I do. I can do something simply to try something new, or because it's fun or because I want to try it. I can pursue my masters even though I won't be extremely young when I graduate, or even if I don't graduate at the top of my class. I can be an imperfect vegetarian and still positively impact my health and the world.

Part of my self-written recovery program is to allow myself to make mistakes and to accept them and love myself anyway. This is so incredibly hard and I'm pretty sure I haven't been successful, so perhaps I'm not in "real" recovery (or you could say that my recovery is imperfect, and then I can choose to abandon recovery because I can't perfect it, or I can try to stick with it). Or perhaps this is just a further reflection of my perfectionism. No, I'm not fully recovered. I haven't hit the end of the road yet, but I'm in recovery, which is a process and a journey. And for now, I'll just keep plugging along.