Babies!

No, much to your relief or dismay, I am in fact not pregnant. Although it seems now that I've been married almost two years (in May!) that's the hot topic. I either receive mounds of advice telling me to hold off as long as I can (nevermind my own reproductive goals or the reality of biology), finish my degree first, wait 'til I'm 40! There's always time. Having kids when you're young ruins your life. Or I receive the excited squeel followed by the big letdown when I accidently allude to the pregnancy that does not actually exist.

It's funny, because when I was still dating, this is how the marriage/engagement talk went. Wait! You'll lose yourself if you marry too young, you'll never finish your degree or go on to grad school. You'll start popping babies too soon and lose all your friends. It'll be over! Hold out! It's the cool thing to date for 10 years without getting married because the world hates to commit. Or the people who are uncomfortable with the closeness in the relationship and want us (most likely for the benefit of our immortal souls), to just get on with it and get a room! Heck, get a whole life together!

And of course this isn't the first time a major life decision, that is infinitely personal, has been unduly influenced by the masses. I seem to remember certain science teachers faux-threatening me that they'd be severly disappointed if I didn't pursue science. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE science. But I also loved writing and reading and English and German and language study. I was actually torn my senior year between applying for journalism or biology in college. At one point I thought I could combine the two, but too many "mentors" and family members told me that it was stupid (for me) to do journalism or writing. Instead, I should just do biology and then do something practical, like invent something, or be a doctor or save the world from disease. So I listened, and I majored in biology, and by the time I was a sophomore and found myself in a semester with 3 labs, and 3 science courses (chemistry, physics and biology), I caved. I couldn't take it anymore. So I added a German minor and started taking German lit classes. Ah! the relief!

Quick note: in one of my favorite books The Alchemist, it's noted: "everyone seems to have a clear idea of how others should lead their lives, but none about his or her own." Let that sink in. It'll keep you out of trouble and promote world peace, I'm sure of it.

But this wasn't the point of my post. The point of my post is babies and my fascination with everything baby and pregnancy and life-giving. Even in studying biology, my most favorite classes were cellular biology (how do our little bits "talk" to one another??? They don't even have mouths!!!), biology of fertility and sterility (taught by the craziest of mad scientists, but so unbelievably interesting...I mean, in what other class do you get to discuss the functionality of the shape of whale sperm?), and developmental biology (because really...how is it that two cells come together and create a human??? That is like, the coolest thing, ever. Ever! Life-making cool! And so complicated and beautiful. I love it.)

Add to this interest the fact that in pursuing my masters degree I finally found the courage to stop doing what "made sense" and start doing what I wanted. Heck, I'm paying private school tuition on my own (loan/tuition remission) dime, I'll study what I want! And that reminds me of a favorite quote that I will now butcher: "Don't do what you think the world needs, do what sets you on fire, because what the world needs is people who are on fire." I don't know who it's by (feel free to comment if you figure it out), but it's a really good thing to remind myself. I serve no one by miserably trudging through a degree I hate because I'm "supposed to." So I quickly switched my concentration from Epidemiology (the "practical" choice) to Maternal and Child Health (my passion...call me girly, but it's important and I love it. So there, I said it.)

Although, I did happen to take all but one of the classes required for a dual concentration in Epi and Maternal Child Health. I chalk that up to a huge fear that my choice to follow what I love is not good enough. That's the same reason I never persued a job in direct service, and stuck instead to research and research coordination (even though I haven't ever really liked them all that much). It was how I could be the best, the smartest, the most responsible. But I was none of those things because I lacked passion in the topic and it showed in my work. So my quest to be perfect actually hindered my progress, and I'm just now finding that out, at 26. That feels so late to jump into the game! And I'm still not even entirely sure what I want to do.

I must say that I love it when people assume that my current job is a "student" job. Nope, it's a salaried position that requires pursuit of a masters or an MPH, over 1 year of intense research experience (I have 5), and takes a lot of learning. It also covers the benefits Karl and I use, our gym membership, internet, and has a sweet vacation package. I have to wear "businessy clothes" and report to a boss. It's a real job. Like whoa. Big time grown up here. And it's actually a career prospect that I'm toying with...because I actually like my job. Imagine that! So for now I'm planning on sticking it out here for a bit and using my "free time" (read: not-filled-with-homework time) to pursue my other interests...like being a doula or volunteering as a rape crisis counselor.

Hopefully this post clarifies why it is that my goodreads updates include titles that make everyone think I either am pregnant or am trying to get pregnant (wouldn't you like to know??!!). Aside from any practical implications, it's actually just that I'm really, really interested.

I recently read (and LOVED) Tina Cassidy's Birth: The Surprising History of How We're Born. She goes through the anthropology of birth, the evolution of the female pelvis, the myths and traditions surrounding pregnancy, and then goes through all of the interesting "options" women have. She, like most people who take the time to be informed, holds the position that excessive intervention (like we tend to have in the US) is probably one of the best explanations for our dismal birth statistics and maternal and child mortality rates. It's very well written, quick to read and not too technical. Every woman should read it, and ever man who loves a woman should too.

I just started reading Toni Wechsler's Taking Charge of Your Fertility, which goes through the "secular" version of Natural Family Planning (known as the Fertility Awareness Method). The main difference between the two is what is done during fertile times to avoid pregnancy (use of absitnence versus barrier method birth control, respectively). I'm reading it because why shouldn't I know how my body works? I'm actually rather incensed that in my 14 years as a fertile woman (now more than half my life), no one bothered to tell me how I can know when I'm actually fertile or not. And despite my interest in and knowledge of biology, it never occured to me that there was a solid scientific way to know what's going on with me and my body. How embarassing! So I'm reading this book, and even though I'm only 50 pages in, I already recommend it to every woman alive!! And I want to know why this isn't taught in health class. Or passed down from mother to daughter.

One thing that I love about learning about pregnancy, fertility and babies is that it acquaints me better with my body and gives me new reasons to love it. Heck, we've been together (my body and I) since before I was born. My body has been with me through everything in my life--the least I can do is understand what it needs and how it works, right?