Reflections

Last week I had what I will now refer to as a "wake up call". I was given some feedback that left me hurt, a good bit of which I attribute to my own baggage, but a good bit of which really clarified for me some things about myself, my goals, and the environment in which I'm most effective.

I had the good fortune yesterday to meet with a mentor and friend to discuss what happened. I was surprised when she suggested I might consider changing my situation, looking for something else. And then we started talking, and she was asking about whether this aspect of my life really provided me with any benefit; am I putting myself through this situation for a purpose, or not? Is it serving me?

Is the pay great? no. Is the commute great? no. Is there anyone from whom I could learn a great deal? not really. Is the topic one of my passions? not really. Is there some skill or lesson that I could learn? not really.

So then why am I here? And I think the real answer is that I'm afraid. I'm afraid to follow my dreams and pursue what is really important to me because it might be non-traditional. I think I've also been confused about what is important to me.

After speaking to my mentor, I sent Mr. K an email asking what he thought of me signing up for a Doula workshop (there is one this weekend, but after talking about it I realize there are a few things going on this weekend that I can't miss, so it's not going to work this month...there is another workshop in October, however. in fact, it starts on my birthday). He said that I've been talking about medical advocacy, rape crisis victim support/advocacy and pregnancy/child birth/labor advocacy and support for a long time. He's right. I really have. For at least about 2 years now, if not longer. And in thinking about that, I'm remembering back to a session at our church nearly 3 years ago that dealt with strengths. I learned that I am strategic, but I'm primarily a developer.

From the book

Developer: "People strong in the Developer theme recognize and cultivate the potential in others. They spot the signs of each small improvement and derive satisfaction from these improvements."

Strategic: "People strong in the Strategic theme create alternative ways to proceed. Faced with any given scenario, they can quickly spot the relevant patterns and issues."

I hadn't even been thinking about these things when I wrote up my profile for the Kisa program through AfricAid. Let me pause real quick to explain that.

A few week weeks ago I got a call from my MIL, telling me that she thought of me as an inspiring person and wanted to give me something that would inspire me and give me the opportunity to further inspire others. I was humbled by this and turned bright red (which she definitely did not see since we were on the phone). She then told me that she was "giving me a kisa scholar," which we giggled about because it just sounded wrong no matter how we tried to describe it. :)

Basically, she signed me up with the Kisa program so that a scholar in Tanzania (a girl with leadership potential who will get extra education and a chance to become a leader in her community) will be matched with me. We have pages on the Kisa site which is sort of like facebook, but only for those involved. We can then stay in touch and develop a relationship with one another, sharing our dreams and goals and experiences. How exciting!!!

So I was filling out my "info page" today, and without putting too much thought into it, the following spilled onto the page under the heading "about me:"

I'm finishing up my last year of graduate study in maternal and child health. I'm really interested in pregnancy and childbirth, and empowering women to take charge of their bodies and make informed decisions.

Then I wrote the following for "my hopes for the future":

I would like to work for myself eventually, teaching childbirth education classes and being a labor assistant or doula for women. Women's health advocacy and patient advocacy are important to me, and I plan to work on changing our health systems to better address women's needs. I also want to start a family with my husband and continue to travel throughout the world!

Then I sat back and read those words to myself. Yea. That's it. That's my elevator speech of what I want to do with my degree, and where I want to take my next steps in my life. It's amazing when all of the little hints and pushes and inklings come together like that.

Now to make it happen...