All or Nothing...or Something Like That

As a perfectionist, I tend to have this issue with going "all in" and then discouraging myself when I have "off days" or especially "off weeks."

The rational part of my brain likes to think that one can identify as, say, a yogini and still have days or weeks where finding time to come to the mat or go to class just doesn't happen. Or days when health prevents one from practicing. Then a little voice comes into my head and says "no, you just practice with your body's needs in mind...if your tummy hurts, find poses that feel good and do them." And I listen to this, except when the other little voice in my brain comes in and says "yea, but your body is also telling you it wants to be curled up on the couch in sweats, drinking tea and resting."

And this presents a very real problem, because part of practicing yoga is learning to listen to one's body and to be mindful of what it needs. We don't move into pain, we don't judge or praise our practice. We experience the moment and let it be. So if I'm listening to my body and it says "sharp stomach pains, queasiness and general malaise," then perhaps I should really just go home and rest. But what if my body is really saying that it's depressed or experiencing the physical manifestation of anxiety or stress, and a good relaxing class that gets me out of my head is exactly what my body needs to overcome my stomach ailments?

I came to this circular and frustrating argument of who to trust and listen to and to what extent in what circumstance after a minor dilemma yesterday.

As I'm sure you haven't been able to miss, I've been vegan for about a month now. I slipped up the weekend of my speech in Framingham at the Rotary conference, and paid the price. I must have a short memory because this incident did not stop me from indulging in cheese at an office meeting. You see, we had guests from Taiwan who are here to learn about how we work in our IRB, and my boss thought it would be great to have some pizza on their first day in town. Great idea!

Except that pizza has cheese. And not only that, but pizza tastes good. And before you taste how good the pizza is, you can smell it...and those magic molecules in the melty cheese make my tummy hungry for cheeeeese. So I indulged. This was also a bit of a conscious decision not entirely motivated by a chemical reaction inside me to the smell of melty pizza cheese. It was a decision that also related to my not wanting to make a vegan scene in the office in front of our guests. I also wasn't up for explaining myself or eating lettuce for lunch. Perhaps this is far too much rationalization, but I had the least cheesy piece I could find and ate.

And then my digestive system decided to revolt. We'll leave it at that, but I certainly did not feel fantastic, and my motivation to avoid cheese and all things dairy has increased. Now, whether this is a real lactose intolerance or a new sensitivity (my reading and chatting with folks studying nutrition suggests that all adults start to lose their ability to digest dairy as they age. So there it is, I must be aging), doesn't actually matter to me. What matters to me is that when I eat dairy, my tummy hurts. When I avoid dairy, my tummy is happy.

So there is an example of me listening to my body. This is good. I'm responding to pain and other cues that tell me how to give my body what it needs to feel and function it's best. Go go body-mind connection!

But then there's the fact that I'm not going to yoga today. And I didn't go yesterday. Or the day before that, or the day before that. (4 days now, sans asanas). I could sit here and explain to you the rationalization that bounced through my brain as I carefully walked to the train (I was fairly convinced I might throw up). And in fact, I will...just to provide an example of how intensely I considered whether to go to class or not.

On saturday we were apartment hunting (more on that later), and then went to visit friends and family all over MA. On Sunday I had my bodywork appointment and felt so out of it from this medication I'm working with, that I went home to rest. Sunday, more of the need to rest due to queasiness and dizziness (my assumption is that feeling like I'm going to vomit or fall over is not going to lead to productive yoga). But oh there it is! Productive yoga!!?? What is that??!! And why am I thinking that way? Shouldn't yoga just be? Without needing to be productive?

And so I skipped yoga recently. I feel guilty about it. And why? Because I bought an unlimited monthly pass and fancy myself dedicated to it in a daily sense? Because I have identified myself as someone doing yoga? And I'm somehow a phony if I miss a few days? But aren't I supposed to listen to my body? And if my body says "I feel like crap," shouldn't I listen and rest? Or is that somehow a false representation of my body? Some crazy inner voice that lies and leads me astray?

But as I spoke about with Mr. K this morning, the choice to do more yoga goes deeper than the purchase of a pass. I chose to stop taking a medication with the hopes that I could mediate the symptoms with a combination of yoga and meditation. The medication is messing with my body (I am fairly convinced it's the reason that despite an entire lent as a fairly strict vegan, and several days of walking and many hours of vinyasa per week I've only managed to lose 2.5 of the 25lbs I need/want to lose. And then there are other things) and I don't want my body messed with anymore. But I still have a need to manage symptoms. Of course, I can't manage them if I give in to the desire to curl up and ignore the world every day. Nor if I let myself get so busy that I no longer have time to take care of myself, something I am certainly prone to do.

I wish I had a wonderful resolution to this internal drive toward diving all in or staying completely out. I wish I could find the ability to float in that middle ground grey world where I can accept times of less dedication as what they are, and move past them without attaching such weighty words of judgement. For now, I'm just in jumping back and forth between black and white, and gosh, I could really use a nap.